How Do You Forgive Yourself or Give Yourself Grace?

I'm struggling.  Something I've prayed for, longed for, dreamed about, and now become obsessed with hasn't happened.  I haven't been able to muscle it into existence. I told my husband that I keep trying to Veruca Salt it.  That's right, I made that greedy golden egg seeker on "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" a verb.  I am Veruca Salting this dream because "I want it nowwwww!" (fade voice, as if falling down an egg chute).  

On the subject of falling, my first birthday present after getting married was a bicycle. I couldn't wait on my husband's availability to venture out so I set out on my own. I could barely lift the bike in and out of my car and hadn't really ridden a bike in 15 years.  I was on a nature high as I rode the winding river trail surrounded by tall grass and gorgeous views.  I had to stop at the wet woodland area to take a picture.  I was successful until I tried to start up again.  I couldn't get going, my foot slipped off the petal, and I wiped out--from a stopped position!  I had no incidences until I stopped--to take a picture.  Insert face palm emoji here!  I scraped my knee, made a distant cyclist gawk at me, and injured my tire rim on my new bike.  

I've done some dumb things in my life--we all have.  I apologize if I've done or said those dumb things to you.  Now, in some people, these mistakes are minute, but they gnaw at me constantly when they happen.  I long for the chance to make things right.  If you're like me, you may wonder, "How can I stop these self-accusatory thoughts and give myself grace?"  "How can I forgive myself and move on?" 

Here are some ideas to combat the self-prosecuting charges:

1.  Ask God to help you forgive.

Ask God to forgive you of the sin or mistake you made.  Ask God to help you forgive yourself. (And of course if you have wronged another person, seek that person's forgiveness.)  Think about the forgiving nature of Christ.  For example when Jesus was confronted by those who wanted to stone the adulteress woman, Jesus said in John 8:7, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her."  Quit throwing stones at yourself.  Also, this verse is always a comforting reminder: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1).

2. Give speeches to yourself or preach to yourself.  

Try not to dwell on the negative, and turn it around to the positive.  Tell yourself the following:  It is okay.  You are okay.  This situation does not define you.  Your identity is in Christ.  I have a hope and a future in Christ.  I am a child of God.  I am forgiven.  "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."  (1 John 1:9)

3. Think about others.

Hey, try not to dwell on yourself.  Think about God and his truth.  Fill your mind with His word and songs. Think of others who have overcome.  Think about those you love and who love you.  It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  If we are living in the chains of unforgiveness, then are we living in Christ's freedom?  No! Then ask him to set you free from it, and drop those chains and ride on.

Those bike spills are going to happen.  The starts and stops won't always be smooth.  Try not to make the skinned knees worse than they are.  Let them heal and focus on the nice shots you take along the way.

I Only Like Surprises if I Know What They Are

“Do you like surprises?” I asked my preteen student with special needs.  “Only if I know what it is,” he honestly replied.  ‘I get it,’ I thought.  I also thought, ‘Well, that’s not technically a surprise then, is it?’  I’ve also been teaching him facial expressions.  If a person’s eyes and mouth are wide open and his eyebrows are up, then he is surprised.  I will also ask if the person in the picture we are studying thinks it is a good surprise or a bad surprise.

            A few days later I was playing hide-and-seek with my three-year-old son.  He wanted me to tell him where to hide as well as tell him where I was hiding.  I tried explaining to him, as I was laughing, that the reason we close our eyes is so that we won’t know where the other person will be hiding.  When he asked me again where I was going to hide, for three-year-olds are relentless, I said, “It’s a surprise.”  When he told me again on another turn where he was going to hide, I told him he wasn’t supposed to tell me.  He said, “But I’m gonna laugh.”  This was true--if he didn’t tell me, his laughter was sure to give away his location.

            We are a few months into this COVID-19 thing, and I’m past the terrified stage, the surreal stage, and the bored stage.  We, at my house, are in the exhausted and jealous stage because we see friends and family all around us breaking their social distancing.  We are not ready to do this for many reasons, two of which include my son’s heart defect and my autoimmune disorder.  Neither of us have been labeled in the high-risk category by our doctors, but there is still the unknown, the surprise.  COVID-19 is still out there.  The surprise is that no one really knows how his or her body will respond to it or if he or she will contract it.  I don’t know if a person I come in contact with is carrying the germs, passing them on to me for a surprise attack.

            When I was in the scared out of my mind stage, my husband tried to make me feel better by saying we will probably all get the virus at some point.  At first my husband’s attempt did not help, and I had the irrational thought of running out to the grocery store to get the virus immediately so that I could get it over with.  What a strange thought!  Well, it is about surprise versus control.  That would put the proverbial COVID-19 ball in my court.  Then as I calmed down, I felt better that I wasn’t in control of getting the virus, and that I must live my life without fear.  Although, we continue to be more cautious than others in our immediate family. 

            So what does the Bible say about surprises?  Depending on your Bible version, you might actually spot the word surprise in print.  There are happy surprises in the Bible like when Samson’s barren-free mother was surprised with the news she was expecting (Judges 13:5).  Or when Boaz awoke in surprise to find Ruth lying at his feet (Ruth 3:8).  Surprise is used when referencing sneak attacks on armies or cities such as Joshua and his men when God told them to take the city of Ai (Joshua 8:21).  Moses was surprised when God gave him a leprous hand then quickly restored it when preparing him to go before Pharaoh (Exodus 4:6,7). 

            Men, women, tribes, and cities were all surprised, but God is not.  God knows all that has happened and all that will come to pass.  My feeble attempt to predict and know is just so I can control and calm my fear.  I will continue to battle the sneak attacks of anger with gratitude.  Thank you Lord for my job and for games of hide-and-seek with my son.  I will continue to protect my family and pray for an end to this virus.  But I must also remember to lean back and rest in the Sovereign Arms.  I’ve got to hand over daily surprises to the One who is not surprised.  And I must never ever forget that God has a certain plan and purpose that prevails and triumphs over illness, disappointment, or changes in my earthly plans.

Channel Your Inner Belle

You want adventure in the great wide somewhere—anywhere other than your current quarters.  Belle—well, she’s my favorite, so let’s take a little storybook stroll just for fun and see how our quarantine lives compare to her time in captivity.

            We cannot ignore the physical environment in which she began her time in the castle:  the dungeon!  Belle was not a guest at the Chateau de Chambord, which actually inspired the castle for the movies and is open to visitors (well, maybe not right now).  No, she was in the Beast’s castle—a cursed, dusty, forlorn place.  Do you feel like you too have been taken captive in a dusty, sad place—your home?  Activities you once took for granted are now forbidden.  Your future, like Belle’s is uncertain.  Please don’t take me wrong, I’m not trying to make light of a serious situation, but we can learn from fairytales.  We’ve been held hostage by a beast—COVID 19.  It’s “mean” and “coarse” and “unrefined”.  Also, let’s not fail to mention Belle was separated from her father.  I know many of you have chosen to sacrifice for your aging parents just as Belle did and all in an effort to protect them.

            We’ve seen the comparison, now what can we learn? Oh that Gaston—perhaps he might encourage us to keep our guard up, for COVID-19 is not gone, and there are people out there who seek to take advantage of a situation for their gain (i.e., using Belle’s father to get to her).

            Let’s think about the change in Belle over time and how we too might discover “something there that wasn’t there before.”  The library—my dream!  I’ve heard there are people discovering new hobbies out there and rediscovering old ones.  Belle explored her surroundings in which she was stuck.  She got to know her neighbors, aka the enchanted castle staff.  Have you gotten to know your neighbors during this time?  And most importantly, she began to see life in a new way.  Before she was a captive, she just wanted to get out of town.  At the end of her quarantine, she was loving life and appreciating its beauty through new eyes.  And she learned to love a beast, oh wait, I used the Beast as COVID-19 earlier—bad example now.  Let’s change the beast example to represent the quarantine as a whole, or no maybe life as a whole with all its ins and outs, obstacles and freedoms.  Be like Belle and refocus, not on your captivity, but on the beauty in life which can captivate you.

A Quarantine Birthday

How would I honestly describe my birthday during the pandemic? Not how I described it to others the next day who inquired, “How was your birthday?”  How would I describe it in my personal journal with one word? INCONVENIENCE.

            My baggy-eyed husband had been working himself to the bone keeping our three-year-old during the day.  He makes sure my son gets all his teletherapy sessions, is fed, and entertained.  He works during my son’s nap.  When I get home from work, we eat dinner, then he goes upstairs to the mancave to work online, usually until midnight.  So I felt that my birthday just meant more work for his already weary soul.  He needed to be the one to sleep in on Saturday, not me!  INCONVENIENCE.

            My sweet parents brought me peanut butter pie, presents, balloons, and orange Gerber daisies.  It was so touching the way they worked to make my birthday special.  However, I felt stressed and torn between the opposite ends of the quarantine safety spectrum.  I could have told my parents not to come at all as my husband and I decided not to expose my 80-year-old father with a heart attack history to any germs I may have picked up at my workplace.  Also, we didn’t want to expose my son who was born with a heart defect to any germs my parents may have picked up at their workplaces.  This decision would have pleased my husband, kept us safe, yet hurt my parents.  Or we could have allowed my parents in our home, ignoring warnings, fears, and precautions weighing on our hearts.  So, peacemaker that I try to be, I set up two separate blankets on our driveway and tried in vain to keep six feet between my family members as my son and my parents moved about chasing run away balloons in the windy spring weather.  I felt stress as something was again out of my control, knowing that I wasn’t pleasing anyone completely, and that my loved ones had gone through so much trouble.  INCONVENIENCE.

            We drove 30 minutes that night to eat out with my best friend.  I called the restaurant ahead of time to ask, “So, how does this work?”  I hadn’t eaten “out” in over two months.  We called in our orders and arrived in separate cars.  We were approached by a masked server who took our name, brought the food, and took the money, all from the safety of our car.  We ate out in a shopping center courtyard, making sure our lawn chairs were a safe distance from each other.  I remember saying, “I feel human again,” dining and socializing with friends.  My son was an angel except for the end of the night when he started sticking his hand in the fountain, and it started overflowing after he turned the sprayer or broke it for all I knew.  Thank goodness, my friend’s husband was able to correct the sprayer on the fountain.  While her husband was working on the fountain, the police officer on duty at the shopping center stopped by to see what was happening and to inform us that loitering was not allowed during this time of the pandemic.  He had seen us, but he had let it slide.  INCONVENIENCE.

            Despite my feelings and the strange circumstances, I had a wonderful birthday because I had so many funny memories and sweet people that care.  I had to battle the inconvenient feelings and enjoy the celebrating, as different as it was.  I had to battle my grumpy ‘tude with gratitude.  I’m having to do that a lot lately.  And I read a message from my Creator.  I read Psalm 91:15. It says God “will deliver him and honor him.”  I looked up the Hebrew word for honor.  It means “be important, glory.”  The basic noun formed from the root means “interior, soul.”  So my birthday interpretation of that is “God thinks I am important in His inmost being.”  And that’s a pretty special birthday greeting card message.

My Southern Grandma

Please make sure you’re watering that ficus! It’s personal to me!  That ficus plant was waiting for my grieving family at my grandmother’s funeral way back in 2003.  I had donated it 13 years later to my place of employment when it outgrew our new home, and we needed to make room for a new tiny human that was on the way.  I remember the call that my grandmother had developed pneumonia after breaking her hip.  I thought that she was doing better, so I was shocked by the “it’s the end” phone call.  With determination, I threw my clothes in a bag and drove the seven hours home from Waco where I was attending graduate school.  I missed a final exam, but I needed to see my family and say goodbye one last time to Momma Ray.

            If you want a good southern grandma name, just take a one-syllable name and stick momma on the front.  You can’t say Momma Ray without dragging out that last syllable.  I can think of several other memories of my grandmother that are truly southern.  She was firm in her faith and went to church every time the doors were open, as they say.  She made the best corn pudding, and I could pick it out at the church potlucks among all the other golden crusted-top casseroles. 

            Her backyard was shady and smelled of all the pecans that littered her cracked sidewalk and crunchy lawn.  We loved to climb the sturdy magnolia tree in the front yard or swing on the screened-in porch on lazy summer Saturdays.  My momma and I would pick up a frito chili pie, head over to my grandmother’s house, and interrupt her soap opera binge to have a visit.  She painted my fingernails bright berry red when I was young, and when she was in the nursing home years later, I would return the favor.

            She wasn’t a woman of many words, but I could feel her support by her presence.  When I practiced the piano, she would sit quietly and listen.  She came to rowdy Christmas mornings and grueling graduations.  She made sure the family came together for birthdays and Easters.  Her eyes lit up when I spoke of my faith, no doubt influenced by her display of dedication.

            While she didn’t get to see me walk down the aisle or meet my son, I have her smiling wedding picture framed on my dresser.  When I think of pecans or corn pudding, I smile.  Even at work, I can see a green living monument of my grandmother in the ficus plant.  So if you had a loving grandparent who you were blessed enough to know and remember, let the memory live on.  And you should share that memory with others—and don’t forget to give it what it needs to stay green and live on.

A Lot Can Happen in 7 Years

Wow!  It's only been since almost 7 years since my last blog post.  I really thought this site would have been hijacked, but I was so pleased to see it is still here.  A lot has happened in 7 years.  I stopped the blog to do some living, but I just can't leave the writing behind.  I have such a passion to write again.  And here was my faithful "Finding at Sunrise" blog waiting for me.  So what has happened in 7 years?
-an engagement
-a wedding
-purchasing a house
-new town
-new work location
-a son was born
-new wrinkles
-new gray hairs
-new friends
-new church
-new Bible study
-new global pandemic

These are not necessarily in chronological order, but it's late!
We have a lot to catch up on!

Lilies are still my favorite!